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GAME OF THE WEEK

Bengals 31 49ers 17

Brock Purdy is officially on fraud watch. The young cat certainly doesn’t belong at the same table as the elite quarterbacks of the world. I have always been an eye test guy and I’ve never cared to hear about Purdy’s “impressive” statistics. A mixture of no Deebo and a struggling 49ers defense, has the kid looking like Mr. Irrelevant after all. Time to pack up those MVP narratives, put them in the back of some worthless minivan, and drive it off the Golden Gate. Hasta nunca. I would praise Burrow for his performance, but that’s not in my nature. Moving on.

BIGGEST SURPRISES

Titans 28 Falcons 23

Tennessee belongs to Morgan Wallen right now as he continues to dominate the country music scene, and has also been rumored to have stolen Will Levis’ girlfriend. But WAIT a damn minute. The young man from Madison, Connecticut might have some fight in him for possession of the Volunteer State. 4 Passing TDs to pair along with massive sex appeal powers the Titans to victory. Derrick Henry and DeAndre Hopkins might want to stick around for this one.

Broncos 24 Swifties 9

What on God’s green earth happened here? Just over a month ago the Broncos gave up a 70 spot and were the laughingstock of the NFL. Now this weekend they hold the defending Super Bowl champs to 9 points and are the first team to hang 20 on this dominant Chiefs defense. Mahomes was said to be sick, but once upon a time so was Michael Jordan. Going to be a long flight to Frankfurt for the boys of Kansas City. Back to the drawing board, as they are now a week away from the Tyreek Hill revenge game. Let’s all say a little prayer Taylor stays home for this one too.

THE REST

Bills 24 Buccaneers 18

If Chris Godwin decided to turn around and locate the football this game may have resulted in a Buccaneers win. Josh Allen did Josh Allen things. Baker Mayfield continues to show he can still play football. The Cleveland Browns might be regretting their decision dumping Baker Mayfield and awarding Deshaun Lotion the keys to their franchise at an outrageous price. 

Jets 13 Giants 10 

Can’t believe they continued to air this game on television after the first half. The Jets defense is mighty elite. Giants -8 yards passing. Woah. Maybe it’s time for the wildcat Brian. Giants fans head to the “NFL 2024 Mock Draft” phase after just 8 weeks. The MILF Man Zach Wilson moves to 4-3 somehow.

Jaguars 20 Steelers 10

Jaguars are now holders to the longest active winning streak as they continue to roll. Etienne’s 149 scrimmage yards fueled the Jaguars offense. For the Steelers, I can only imagine what Matt Canada’s mailbox will look like this week. Biggest villain in Pittsburgh since Bane. 

Eagles 38 Commanders 31

If you missed it, the Eagles fumbled out of the tush push bullshit. I cannot stand Nick Sirianni’s face. Also, My guy Sammy Sosa was ON ONE this weekend. Too bad the commanders suck, and the Eagles move to 7-1 behind Hurts’ arm. 4 passing TD’s and 319 yards through the air for the Eagles QB.

Cowboys 43-20 

Good game by Ceedee Lamb. 12 grabs 158 yds and 2 dances for the emerging star. However, I am not sold. Want to know why? The Dallas Cowboys Cycle.

Vikings 24-10

Just when things start to look good for the Minnesota Vikings again, Captain Kirk tears his Achilles. Packers are far from convincing. The NFC North is the Detroit Lions division to lose.

Dolphins 31 Patriots 17

Is Tyreek Hill playing the same sport as everyone else? 1,014 yards in 8 games is something we’ve only seen in madden. Let’s hope he stays focused with the return of the original Fortnite map coming this Friday. Dolphin’s roll. Somebody take Coach Bill’s blood pressure.

Saints 38 Colts 27

Derek Carr or Derek Convertible? Saints win the battle of mid. Don’t care, neither do their fans.

Panthers 15 Texans 13

Time to pump the brakes on the CJ Stroud narratives. The kid can play, but the 0-6 Panthers secured their first victory in the battle of the rookie quarterbacks. Both teams are clearly still years away from seeing any success. 

Seahawks 24 Browns 20

The Seahawks are sneaky good at 5-2. They may have the NFL’s best cornerback duo in rookie Devon Witherspoon and second-year man Tariq Woolen. Jaxon Smith-Njigba catches a last second touchdown to lead them to victory over the Browns. Injuries are taking a toll on the boys in Cleveland and they’re lucky to sit at 4-3. I see them start plummeting in the bloodbath of the AFC North.

Ravens 31 Cardinals 24

This one may have been closer than fans expected, but the Ravens, powered by Gus Edwards’ 3 touchdowns performance, got it done in Arizona. Lamar may be the front runner for MVP at this point, as the Ravens move to 6-2. As for the Cardinals, Caleb Williams belongs to you as of now.

Chargers 30 Bears 13

Chargers’ QB Justin Herbert howitzer for an arm was on full display to close out Sunday’s slate as he threw for almost all his 300 yards and 3 touchdowns in the first half against the Bears. The Chargers needed this one to avoid pushing the panic button. The Bears also needed this one to stay in the race for their future Caleb Williams x Marvin Harrison Jr duo. Win win for these two teams. All jokes aside, the Bears are a dumpster fire. Justin Fields couldn’t give a shit on the sideline making me think he will be on the move.